there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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