i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
