And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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