i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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