Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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