I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I came so hard my ears popped.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
