you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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