grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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