I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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