the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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