I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
