You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
