as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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