Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
