I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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