he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
