So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
