You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
