Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
