I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
