I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
