True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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