Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I need a beard to bite.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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