youre lurking in front of me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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