This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
