I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
