The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
