"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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