God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
