I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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