You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
