Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
