He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
