So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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