I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
