You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
