just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My dick has a subreddit
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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