pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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