You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
