Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
