Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
