Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize