It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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