Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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