Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
