I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize