Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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