I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
