Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
That reminds me...we need to get swords
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
