i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
