i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
