I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
