just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
