can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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