While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
