We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need a beard to bite.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize