Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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