I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
porn star boner night. come get it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize