I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
